Jared Leto Hates Starving Children: A Letter to Jared Leto

Dear Jared Leto,

It was recently made painfully obvious to me that there actually is something out there worse than the music written by your band 30 Seconds to Mars...

Your Acting!

For you latest movie, Chapter 27, you gained 67 pounds to play to role of Mark David Chapman, the man who shot and killed John Lennon. With that kind of investment in a role, one would think that your performance would have been phenomenal. That however, was not the case. Instead the movie was a 90 minute excuse for you to take off your shirt, show off your chubs, and somehow find new ways to associate southern accents with complete and total retardation.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will never get back the hour and a half of my time that you wasted. I can't hold you personally responsible, nor can I single out Chapter 27 from the ever growing list of terrible movies that have most certainly squandered days from my life. However I was quite disheartened when I discovered the means by which you gained the necessary weight for your role...

Microwaved ice cream mixed with soy sauce and olive oil?!

Really, are you fucking kidding me? If you needed to gain weight, wouldn't you at least want to enjoy it? I couldn't imaging your magically milk shake tasting much better than the slurry in my toilet bowl that came as the end result of a late night bar crawl and a Taco Bell binge.

The only conclusion that I can draw from this: Jared Leto hates starving children. Not only did you waste food to give this lack luster performance, but you paraded around on screen as if to make these poor underprivileged children sure of one thing...

They're hungry and your not!

Jared Leto, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Respectfully,
D

Com'on, coming from primates isn't that bad

Today markes the anniversary of the publishing of On The Origin Of Species. Thousands of right wings just cringed with dissagreement.

Way to go Darwin!

Coming to a theater near you

It's the epic tale of a man losing his iPhone, getting his iPhone back, then scaring the S%#$ out of bystanders.

Staring this guy:

Read the whole story here.

Canada, please stop losing your feets

Even Gawker is writing about this. I've been joking about it for months. But seriously, all you Mounties, please find out who these things belong to. Yet another foot washed up earlier this week. Some of your dirty severed feets have washed up on my prestine Washington shores, for pete sake!

A note to any traveling to canada: wear Berkenstocks. Whoever is doing this seems to favor boots and running shoes. Good luck, and don't lose your feet.

Your Kid's As Special As a Nut In My Poop

9 times out of 10, if you have a bumper sticker on your car... you're a jackass.

Nothing says this better than a "My child is an honor student at Insert School Name Here" bumper sticker.

Until today, I though this was the pinnacle of obnoxious bumper adornments, but once again, I was proven wrong.

Introducing the "My child is student of the week at Insert School Name Here."

Considering the number of schools in a given city and the number of weeks in the school year, your child is effectively as special as a fly on a horse's ass.

Proud Parents rejoice! Your child doesn't have to be intelligent for you to brag about how much better they are than other people's kids. The bar has effectively been lowered.

And now, a reinactment of dinosour extinction

Note the UFO, the likely source of extinction; not the volcano. You be the judge.

Dear Economy,

You and I need to talk.

I think it’s time to bring back zoot suites, some flappers, and maybe a stint of prohibition (and by stint, I mean like a day, just to remind people what it was like). What I’m getting at is this, let’s not make everyone wait until 2020 until we have another ‘roaring twenties.’ You my friend are currently the slow kid in the back of the room. You ride the short bus to school. You’re the portrait of the kid that dropped out of school and are “still taking a few years off to figure out what to do.”

I have friends that are out of work. And other friends that are worried about being out of work. It’s starting to get a little depressing. Sure, you lowered the price of gas, but things are still bad. Honestly, I didn’t know how lame a recession was going to be. So let’s get this thing over with.

And don’t you dare tell me, “we just got a new president, everything’s going to be better come January.” It’s not. Yes, I support Obama, but even he said he might not be able to fix this.

The national debt increases more in one minute than most American’s earn in a year. I’m fairly sure that’s a true statement. So we’re already screwed; why don’t we just borrow some more? The baby boomers left my generation with the short-end of the stick, let’s pay this one forward. Sorry grand kids.

Why do I like my job?

Becuase I just got beer delivered to me at my cube (again!). Said beer has since been "taken care of."

A meeting of the minds

Tonight at least two of the TB authors will convine, and consume much beer. Mucho Cervesas. Undoubtedly, much knowledge will be gained, then lost, regained, and then hopefully entered on this blog as a result.

If you're reading this tonight, drink a beer, or seven, or nine (if you consider yourself a real TB fan) and then drop some knowledge in the comments section of this post.

Cheers!

Lunch tidbits and updates

Dino Rossi, you lost. Hang your head in shame and please leave the room. Also, please get your friend Tim and get out of Olympia.

Howcome the band Third Eye Blind could write good songs, but still wrote crummy songs? BTW, the song "Mr. Jones" is not about what most people say it is.

In case you know my actuall identity, and happen to know who my sister in law is, please deliver her the following message: Barak won, now you have to move home like you said you would.

If you haven't heard, Michael Crichton died on Tuesday from a private battle with cancer. He was my favorite author, smarter than I'll ever be, and an all-around cool cat. May he rest in peace.

On a positive note, I just ate two chocolate chip cookies, some Maui Onion chips, and drank a Diet Pepsi.

This week

We've been a little slow about getting content on this blog. Sorry about that... But, in the spirit of delivering at least something, here's the highlights of the week, so far:

-Obama won. Thank god. Because I couldn't have listened to Palin for four, possibly eight years.

-Verizon Wireless is a company full of D-bags who don't care about their customers. Verizon, you're dumb. I hope that hurts.

-To whomever stole our computer, I hope you die a horrible death of sifulus and other random unpleasentries. You are a worthless human being and the scum of society. I wish nothing but horrible, horrible things to you and those around you. BTW, please get run over by a slow moving truck.

"NO" on Over-Opinionated Douche Bags!

Greetings shiny baked blog consumers. The name is D. Apparently I'm "the brains" of the group, or so B says, but I prefer not to discredit my associates or raise myself above them, so I will simply say I'm the scientific mind of the group.

In my stunning debut to the Teriyaki Blog, I plan to do the impossible... offend the religious conservatives. So, without further ado:

Initiative 1000! Have I offended anyone yet... come on, not even one devout Catholic? Maybe a Mormon, or a Scientologist? Hmmm... well ...

For those of you that are unfortunate enough to not live in the Great Northwest, Initiative 1000 is a proposal to allow "Death with Dignity" for terminally ill individuals with limited time to live. It was brought to my attention today that there are assholes out there that would openly protest the initiative by standing on street corners with signs that read, "No on Initiative 1000, No on Assisted Suicide."

The way I see it, unless you are terminally ill and can speak from personal experience about the pros or cons of the initiative, you have absolutely NO right to protest this initiative.

To those self-righteous enough to think they are saving lost souls from the fires of hell by possibly preventing the initiative from coming to fruition, I can only say that I hope you, or your husband (if said protestor is female), develop erectile dysfunction and that your already sham of a marriage fails despite the ease and accessibility of a little blue pill. Karma's a bitch.

D

Please come in.

And remember to wipe your damn feet.

Hello, and welcome to our new blog. More posts are on the way. In the meantime, we’d like you to meet us (more info coming soon!). We’re two marketeers and an engineer; meaning we make you want stuff, and live another day every time you fly.

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