Bro, Come Out of the Closet or Leave the Jeep in the Garage!

The Jeep is one of many vehicles that fall into an illustrious group...

Vehicles that have been duplicated, molded in pink plastic, somehow made to look incredibly flamboyant with the addition of decals, and driven by none other than the infamous Miss Barbie.



Others in this group include the Corvette and the New Beetle, vehicles which more in common than just Barbie...

they are all among the gayest vehicles that a man can drive.

Now you would either have to be incredibly secure in your sexuality to drive a Jeep, or borrowing the lady friend's for a quick trip to the store for some milk.

In the case of the Jeep that I was following to work the other morning, I'm hoping it was the second of the two above mentioned options.

Reason being: said Jeep included a license plate proclaiming, "When the suns out, I drive with my top off."

Now this is obviously a license plate frame for women, and believe me, I get the double entendre, Jeeps have removable tops... har har, fucking hilarious, and yes, I would love to see a beautiful girl driving around in a Jeep with her top off, who wouldn't, that's the kind of thing that America was founded on. But dude, get a hint, if you are in fact the owner of that Jeep, just know this...

You are either one of the most closeted men alive, or you have resigned yourself to a life in which your manhood will never again reach a level higher than that of a little plastic man named Ken.

D

Hey Weather, Knock it the Fuck Off!

I appreciate that you finally got off your ass and gave the mountains enough snow for ski/snowboarding to be possible, but you've simply just gone too far.

It was a little annoying, but tolerable, when you almost prevented me from spending Christmas with my family because the passes were bad. Strike One.

Having to drive back across White Pass in poor conditions and subsequently battle the snow between Yakima and Ellensburg. Strike Two.

Warming up to 30 degrees above the previous day's high temperature of 30 degrees F, melting most snow, creating little muddy rivers on the roads, and causing a wind storm that resulted in a power outage. Strike three.

You have officially become the unwelcome party guest that shows up uninvited, drinks the beer in the fridge, hits on people's girl friends in the sleaziest manor possible, and before leaving the party at 3:30 in the morning, proceeds to leave an upper-decker in the master bathroom toilet. It's time to take a hint, and knock it the fuck off!

Jared Leto Hates Starving Children: A Letter to Jared Leto

Dear Jared Leto,

It was recently made painfully obvious to me that there actually is something out there worse than the music written by your band 30 Seconds to Mars...

Your Acting!

For you latest movie, Chapter 27, you gained 67 pounds to play to role of Mark David Chapman, the man who shot and killed John Lennon. With that kind of investment in a role, one would think that your performance would have been phenomenal. That however, was not the case. Instead the movie was a 90 minute excuse for you to take off your shirt, show off your chubs, and somehow find new ways to associate southern accents with complete and total retardation.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will never get back the hour and a half of my time that you wasted. I can't hold you personally responsible, nor can I single out Chapter 27 from the ever growing list of terrible movies that have most certainly squandered days from my life. However I was quite disheartened when I discovered the means by which you gained the necessary weight for your role...

Microwaved ice cream mixed with soy sauce and olive oil?!

Really, are you fucking kidding me? If you needed to gain weight, wouldn't you at least want to enjoy it? I couldn't imaging your magically milk shake tasting much better than the slurry in my toilet bowl that came as the end result of a late night bar crawl and a Taco Bell binge.

The only conclusion that I can draw from this: Jared Leto hates starving children. Not only did you waste food to give this lack luster performance, but you paraded around on screen as if to make these poor underprivileged children sure of one thing...

They're hungry and your not!

Jared Leto, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Respectfully,
D

Com'on, coming from primates isn't that bad

Today markes the anniversary of the publishing of On The Origin Of Species. Thousands of right wings just cringed with dissagreement.

Way to go Darwin!

Coming to a theater near you

It's the epic tale of a man losing his iPhone, getting his iPhone back, then scaring the S%#$ out of bystanders.

Staring this guy:

Read the whole story here.

Canada, please stop losing your feets

Even Gawker is writing about this. I've been joking about it for months. But seriously, all you Mounties, please find out who these things belong to. Yet another foot washed up earlier this week. Some of your dirty severed feets have washed up on my prestine Washington shores, for pete sake!

A note to any traveling to canada: wear Berkenstocks. Whoever is doing this seems to favor boots and running shoes. Good luck, and don't lose your feet.

Your Kid's As Special As a Nut In My Poop

9 times out of 10, if you have a bumper sticker on your car... you're a jackass.

Nothing says this better than a "My child is an honor student at Insert School Name Here" bumper sticker.

Until today, I though this was the pinnacle of obnoxious bumper adornments, but once again, I was proven wrong.

Introducing the "My child is student of the week at Insert School Name Here."

Considering the number of schools in a given city and the number of weeks in the school year, your child is effectively as special as a fly on a horse's ass.

Proud Parents rejoice! Your child doesn't have to be intelligent for you to brag about how much better they are than other people's kids. The bar has effectively been lowered.